I use overstimulation as a way to get away from myself, create a hardship to overcome and beat myself up. I do this because I feel guilty if I feel good. If I'm fine then that means I probably am not working hard enough or growing enough. I'm still figuring out what childhood pattern formed that habit.

I use overstimulation to put mind into a frantic state, and then I complain about the stress to get sympathy. So not only do I feel guilty for feeling good, but the only way I feel seen and loved is if I feel bad.

Then I beat myself for doing that, but then I also beat myself up for not doing it. It's all a big mess.

On top of that, when I finally allow my mind to rest (not from exhaustion, but by choice), then come the nightmares, sleep paralysis and other strange phenomena that occurs when my mind is calm enough to perceive it. So then I overstimulate again to numb my perception to all of that.

It does effect my writing though and what I choose to write about. I end up playing it safe half the time, though recently that's started to change for the better.

wow, I feel like I overshared here, but your article just opened up some floodgates for me. You're experience is pretty incredible and it takes so much strength to be able to go face to face with your inner bully, and understand it in a loving way...and then continue to do that thousands of times because that's what it takes sometimes.

You gave me so much to reflect on by sharing your experience and being so open about it all. I'm very grateful to you for writing this piece, and also I'm so happy for you that you came to a point of realization and self-love in regards to your bully.

This is all so inspiring. Thank you!